I think its time for something new. I used to love hearing those words because personally I like change. I'm not as fond anymore, but I get why people say it. Life gets so stagnant and well to be honest we take it for granted. I did. When I say its time for something new I'm usually talking about a new job, clothes, or something very material. When someone tells you its time for something new and it means your whole life is going to change, well I didn't want that. I want a choice to change things. I don't want someone making my change for me you know?...
I think I'm going to start writing about what I'm feeling at this very moment so I can look back and see how God changed me through my life change.
About four months ago my whole world changed. I have never been so scared and felt so hopeless in my whole life. Change had happened. It wasn't the good change I had talked about. It was that anxious, cant eat or function kind of change. The kind where you don't want to wake up in the morning because you have to face your new reality kind of change. The kind of change where you go to sleep at night crying because you don't know how this new change is going to play out and you've never been so scared. Its the kind of change where you fear for the future because you feel like you've lost all control of your life and the life of your kids. The kind of change where your motherly instinct kicks in and all you want to do is make sure your sweet babies are sheltered and protected because the thought of their innocence and sweetness being messed with just pisses you off. The kind of change where you scream at the top of your lungs to God and just hope he hears you but deep down he already knows about your change.
I can honestly say I have been through every single emotion possible. I know I'm a emotional person anyway but it has definitely gotten worse. I have went through the I am a strong woman phase, the I want to cry every second of every day phase. The I want to punch you square in the throat for doing this to our life stage. The fearful stage. The angry stage. The hopeless stage. The hopeful stage. The I know I'm going to have to face this future stage. Yep, I'm there. I can honestly say I NEVER imagined going through this change in all my life. I can honestly say I would never wish it on my worst enemy.
So, now were here. I have pleaded with God, begged God, screamed at God, cried out to God, gotten mad at God, and surrendered to God. Finally, I have trusted God. He gives and takes away, Blessed be his name. Sometimes I think how in the world would God allow this but I remember that he gives us choice and sometimes people make choices that cause so much change. Not always the good change but change none the less. So, I have a choice. I can learn to deal and trust the one who has promised me hes going to take care of me and restore whats been lost or I can stay in my bed and be pissed off that my life hasn't played out like I had imagined. I choose to live life. I choose trust. I choose to believe that the one who everyday when I wake up tells me to not give up on my love and to keep believing that anything is possible with him is going to get the glory!! What an amazing promise. Satan doesn't win because the victory has already been won!
I will cling to the promise that God has something amazing in store for me and my sweet little family. He has wrecked my heart and taught me to trust because honestly I had no choice but to surrender. I most def have my moments of pure meltdown and anger where I question my life but my sweet Jesus reminds me that hes got this. I don't have to be afraid anymore. He tells me hes going to use me and my story for his glory and that I need only trust him. He tells me hes molding me into who he has always wanted me to be. He whispers in my ear that hes making me into the best mom I could ever imagine to be. On days where I feel like I have failed as a mom or had to do things or make decisions that no mom should make ,he reminds me that hes using me, and my kids will grow up and love me with an unconditional love.
I'm so overwhelmed with thankfulness and emotion tonight. The change that I talked about has shown me how I want to love people. Its showed me that God wants me and wants to use me. This change has taught me that if given the chance I will show him the most beautiful love that I could ever give. A love unconditional and full of grace. A love that only comes from my surrender to God. This change will forever change me.
I guess my big point is...if someone tells me soon that I need some changes in my life, well I might punch them =) The end.
