Change

I think its time for something new. I used to love hearing those words because personally I like change. I'm not as fond anymore, but I get why people say it. Life gets so stagnant and well to be honest we take it for granted. I did. When I say its time for something new I'm usually talking about a new job, clothes, or something very material. When someone tells you its time for something new and it means your whole life is going to change, well I didn't want that. I want a choice to change things. I don't want someone making my change for me you know?...

I think I'm going to start writing about what I'm feeling at this very moment so I can look back and see how God changed me through my life change.

 About four months ago my whole world changed. I have never been so scared and felt so hopeless in my whole life. Change had happened. It wasn't the good change I had talked about. It was that anxious, cant eat or function kind of change. The kind where you don't want to wake up in the morning because you have to face your new reality kind of change. The kind of change where you go to sleep at night crying because you don't know how this new change is going to play out and you've never been so scared. Its the kind of change where you fear for the future because you feel like you've lost all control of your life and the life of your kids. The kind of change where your motherly instinct kicks in and all you want to do is make sure your sweet babies are sheltered and protected because the thought of their innocence and sweetness being messed with just pisses you off. The kind of change where you scream at the top of your lungs to God and just hope he hears you but deep down he already knows about your change.

I can honestly say I have been through every single emotion possible. I know I'm a emotional person anyway but it has definitely gotten worse. I have went through the I am a strong woman phase, the I want to cry every second of every day phase. The I want to punch you square in the throat for doing this to our life stage. The fearful stage. The angry stage. The hopeless stage. The hopeful stage. The I know I'm going to have to face this future stage. Yep, I'm there. I can honestly say I NEVER imagined going through this change in all my life. I can honestly say I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

So, now were here. I have pleaded with God, begged God, screamed at God, cried out to God, gotten mad at God, and surrendered to God. Finally, I have trusted God. He gives and takes away, Blessed be his name. Sometimes I think how in the world would God allow this but I remember that he gives us choice and sometimes people make choices that cause so much change. Not always the good change but change none the less. So, I have a choice. I can learn to deal and trust the one who has promised me hes going to take care of me and restore whats been lost or I can stay in my bed and be pissed off that my life hasn't played out like I had imagined. I choose to live life. I choose trust. I choose to believe that the one who everyday when I wake up tells me to not give up on my love and to keep believing that anything is possible with him is going to get the glory!! What an amazing promise. Satan doesn't win because the victory has already been won!

I will cling to the promise that God has something amazing in store for me and my sweet little family. He has wrecked my heart and taught me to trust because honestly I had no choice but to surrender. I most def have my moments of pure meltdown and anger where I question my life but my sweet Jesus reminds me that hes got this. I don't have to be afraid anymore. He tells me hes going to use me and my story for his glory and that I need only trust him. He tells me hes molding me into who he has always wanted me to be. He whispers in my ear that hes making me into the best mom I could ever imagine to be. On days where I feel like I have failed as a mom or had to do things or make decisions that no mom should make ,he reminds me that hes using me, and my kids will grow up and love me with an unconditional love.

I'm so overwhelmed with thankfulness and emotion tonight. The change that I talked about has shown me how I want to love people. Its showed me that God wants me and wants to use me. This change has taught me that if given the chance I will show him the most beautiful love that I could ever give. A love unconditional and full of grace. A love that only comes from my surrender to God. This change will forever change me.

I guess my big point is...if someone tells me soon that I need some changes in my life, well I might punch them =) The end.

Things are Changing

Sometimes the time gets away from me. Well, that and the fact I cant remember anything anymore. Oh well its all worth it! I love being pregnant and I'm so thankful I get this chance to be a mom. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm fearful, I'm excited, I'm ready...I think. God broke my heart on Sunday. I have been fighting these feelings of fear for a while and on Sunday God said please give those to me . I want them. I want to take care of them. I don't want you to deal with them anymore. I have been emotional ever since. It just seems like everything in my life is changing and its all so exciting but this fear is holding me back. SO if you would pray with me about this fear I'm facing so it will go away so I can truly enjoy every moment of this pregnancy.

Theres a lot going in with the church now. Its in full swing and full of excitement. Its such a blessing to watch Zane preach on Sunday. I always feel so proud and I know that God speaks to him through the week so he knows what to tell us on Sunday. I feel encouraged by my own husband as a pastor. I don't know if I ever knew that we would be going down this road of pastoring at such a young age. I don't pastor of course but you get the point. HaHa. I always knew their would be a lot of pressure and a lot of responsibility but wow its tough. I love it but its tough. My sister Emily goes to church with me every Sunday. I love it. I love her. I love her heart. I love what shes becoming. Its so exciting to see. I love my other siblings just as much as her but I love that she goes to church with me. I think God knew I needed someone to sit with me and "hold my hand" if you know what I mean. I cant wait to look back in a few years and see the growth the church as made as people and as a community.

I know this has been super long but I have been overemotional today so I knew I needed to get all of this off my chest. If you haven't checked out Zane's blog be sure and do so. Hes going through Psalms 119 all week and blogging about it and its great. Also, check out Emily's new blog post. I love when God uses young people and speaks to them. I guess that's it til next time.

Oh yea I'm 18 weeks now! woo hoo. We find out what were having on May 14th it cant come fast enough!

Picture Portfolio

I dont know if anyone cares but I have been taking alot of pictures lately. I have taken some senior pictures and some pictures my sisters gave their boyfriends for valentines day. I just wanted to post some b/c I was kinda proud of the outcome. I would love to practice on anyone so just let me know. Heres some of my "work" haha! Enjoy

Its Baby Time

Well...Im back. I couldnt blog for a while because what I wanted to blog about had to wait. I wanted to wait until I was 12 weeks pregnant to let everyone know! We are so excited. Im almost 13 weeks now and boy has it been a long 13 weeks. I found out by a home pregnancy test that I was pregnant REALLY early so I had to do a ton of blood work with the doctor and make sure this baby would stick. Our baby stuck! It has a strong heartbeat and we have got to see "it" two times by ultrasound.OUr lives have definately changed and especially my belly. I love every minute of it. I will never take for granted morning sickness or getting fat. Im so glad I can blog again and will update with pics and so forth alot hopefully. We are so excited to be parents. I dont know how good we will be but we'll see=) We also have some other exciting news. Zane is a pastor now at Northbrook Church. We are loving it and cant wait to see what God does there. Its exciting for me to see Zane so passionate about it and put so much time into studying and listening to what GOd would have him to say. So now im offically a preggo pastors wife and I love it! So, without further do..heres a 12 week pregnant shot. I have to take my pictures at night so some of the "belly" might be my dinner haha.

I Hit Our Garage Door....

Yep.I hit our garage door this morning at 6:30. I was ticked because I knew something was going to happen today. If you know me then you know my morning routine is crucial to how my day goes. This morning I woke up before my alarm went off because of the ridiculous wind. I knew when that happened it was not going to be good. I came downstairs and realized all my front porch stuff was blown all over the place...another niche in  my morning routine and it was 61 degrees outside. I was really frazzled. I then decide to leave for work.  I get in my car and start to open the garage door and back up when I hear a huge thud. I then realized I had slammed in to the garage door. I tryed to close the door and open it again  but it wasn't having any of that. I was so tired I couldn't bring myself to walk upstairs and wake Zane up so I called his cell phone and said" I ran into the garage door" I'm sure hes thinking I'm looney at this point. He walks in the garage and says ( in a very joking voice) " whatd you do that for" He had great humor at 6:30 this morning.thank God. My handy man then attempted to fix my garage door that I had knocked outside of the actual frame. He fixes everything so he fixed this too. Just wanted to let everyone know that I DO NOT need to be distracted in the morning.Period.

Jenn-Dawg

That's what I called my cousin/best friend in high school...Jenn Dawg. I still laugh thinking about how cheesy that must have sounded. She liked it..I think =) Jenn and I have always had the most interesting relationship. We didn't always hang with the same people, make the same decisions about life or even get along 100% of the time, but we have always been best friends. We can go a couple of months without talking on the phone and when we finally get to talk to each other its like time was never a issue. That's what I love about her. Time doesn't change a thing for her. Shes still the encouraging Godly woman shes always been. Shes going through one of the most exciting times in her life right now and it makes me so happy. Ive been gong through the most trying time in my life and shes been so encouraging. We talked on the phone yesterday for the first time in a while. I needed her yesterday. I needed her to tel me it was going to be ok and that I wasn't crazy for feeling a certain way. I needed to catch her up on my life and she needed to do the same with me. We were on the phone for 47 minutes. Our lives were caught up in 47 minutes. How awesome is that..Maybe I talk to fast! I'm so glad I have her. I love you Jenn....Dawg bahaha!

Watch out Ya'll Your Getting 2 Post In 1 day!

Dear Zane,

We have known each other for almost 15 years. There are still days I wake up and think,"he chose me". I feel so blessed to have you in my life and be my support every single day. Obviously this year has by far tested us as a team more than any other year. You didn't skip a beat. You loved me more this year than I have ever felt. You held me when I cried and stood by me when I felt hurt. You took up for me when I thought I was being selfish. You let me know day after day you were on my side. I don't know if I really have all the words I want to say, but know every day I love you more and more. Please know that I stand by your side in every decision you make. I think you have accomplished more in your 25 years than most people do in a lifetime. Please don't ever feel like what you do on a every day basis is not good enough. I look at you everyday and I know how lucky I am. I hope I never take you for granted. Your my best friend and I know God knew what he was doing . He knew I would need you in way that only YOU could fulfill. I love you more everyday and I cant wait to see what this year brings for us!

Love,
Ashley